I used to teach out West, surrounded by reservations. I remember being particularly challenged in connecting with many students who spent part of their time on the reservation and part of the time in the suburban area we called the city. One boy in particular, let’s call him Arnold, wrote beautiful poetry and descriptive prose. Whenever we tried to talk to each other, we would end up awkwardly staring at each other. He wasn’t the first.

I started going to the intertribal monthly meetings trying to better understand how I could better design instruction and understand my students and their families. Soon after I was invited to my first Quinceanara for Maria and luau for Mele. I realized that I had much to learn about the multiple frames of reference my students brought to the classroom. Like I did with the Intertribal Council, I was welcomed as I began to engage in the multiple communities within the school community. I returned to school to complete my English as a Second Language certificate. I set up and advised The Forum, which was a collective of students who were sent as representatives from whatever student-determined groups wanted to participate. (It was fascinating to see who wanted representation—just to name a few of their self-labelled groups: Skaters, Tongans, Straight-Edgers, Latinas, Super-Involved, Drama Geeks.) We met to discuss issues the various groups identified and to advise school administration and student government in their decision-making. I went to China to teach in the summer to learn from (what I assumed was going to be) a completely new frame of reference.

And yet Arnold and I continued to stare at each other. He taught me that though important, I also made too much of assumed difference. Broad knowledge of a ‘culture’ was not going to get me any closer to connecting with my students individually. It still came down to learning how each of us related to each other.

When I moved to the East I was surprised by how many people assumed I was in ‘culture shock’ by the diversity of the city. I knew I had a lot to learn about the new cultural histories and frames of reference represented in the city, but I also knew that it was possible to connect across differences of many kinds—and that I couldn’t get there by focusing too much on the differences I assume are there in the aggregate. In The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, Alexie has the character Gordy wisely say:

Well, life is a constant struggle between being an individual and being a member of the community. 

I’ve learned that it is also true in how we see and understand each other to be.